The Only Constant in Life

With the losses of the past months I have realized that nothing is forever.  NOTHING!   The universe continues on its path of the sun setting if it was a happy day or dreadful day.  That sun it still goes down and it still comes back up the next day.   Because that day is gone and it's not meant to be forever.   Even when we want something real bad or think we need it to survive...we don't.   We can get on with a lot less than we had before.   We can make do.   We can make a new normal.   These thoughts of forever make me question the sheer logic of humans and why we would ever think things are forever...when the only constant in life is change.

What I have come to realize is that I no longer expect the pain to eventually stop.   I no longer expect that one day I will wake up and find myself not longing for one more ride or one more peek at the copper coat in the sunshine.   I now believe that the pain will just get dull.   It's like any trauma...it leaves a scar.   The wound will heal but the scar will always be there.    Sometimes it will be visible and sometimes it will be cloaked.    But the scar remains.  The scar manifests change.   I guess my hope is that the pain just turns to an ache.  That the knowledge will turn to wisdom.   That the memories that now bring tears will eventually bring a small smile.    The scar will be constant.   A reminder of not only the pain; but eventually the relationship.

 

I used to think I wanted closure.    How has this become part of my story?     Why is this new scar part of my journey?   What purpose is this serving me to grow?  I no longer believe that closure is an appropriate concept.   It implies an ending or finishing to the relationship.   But in reality, it lives on.   Through my heart; with stories and memories.   This relationship has simply changed.   Now I hope for understanding.   To help me through to lightness.   To guide me on the next part of my journey.  To no longer test my strength but help open the realm of understanding for me to move into the next phase.  To align me with where I am supposed go.   To help me be open to forgive and again share gratitude.   To show me how to embrace change.

I have been given feedback that my blog has been 'deep' or even 'dark' the last while.   Yes.  Yes, it has!   Lets face it folks, death is both deep and dark when you are on the loss side of it.   I have consciously decided to through down my invisibility cloak.   I have decided that at 40+ it's ok to be who I am and let others see sides of me that have been heavily guarded or not particularly pretty.   Because I think these two horses have given me powerful authenticity.   

Stories don't always have happy endings.   Love is sometimes tragic.   Brave sometimes means being brave enough to break your own heart.  And being in a place of stillness to find understanding isn't always comfortable.   But my hope is that I will look back on this moment in time as a sweet time of grieving.   I will acknowledge that I was mourning.  My heart was broken...but my life was changing.

RIP - Wanda 19 Jan 2004 - 1 Dec 2015

Wanda, the big mama of the farm, has made her way to find Izzy.   She battled so strong and so hard against what we thought was chronic gas colic since she foaled Stewy.  She lost weight.   I fed her more.    She coliced.   I called the vets.   She coliced again and again from Sept to Nov.   I had Drs Tom and Cassie on speed dial.   We made her comfortable through chemistry as the bouts became more frequent and their duration lengthened.   After battling for 3 days with down and out moments and brighter perky moment, I finally made the call that this can't possibly be gas.   On Nov 28th we loaded her into the trailer and delivered her to the University of Guelph for full diagnostics and treatment.   It was discovered she was in liver failure and had many complications which are yet to be hopefully explained through autopsy.

For days we suffered through the agony of waiting for the news from the team of highly experienced veterinarians that were working on her case.   They would call with news that she was the same or maybe slightly improved.   They would call with news that she was moved to isolation and was presenting new signs.   They would call with news that her blood work had come back again or such and such test was completed or that they were regrouping to try and brainstorm for new root causes.   She was a unique case.   One that baffled the top doctors at the university.

The waiting can kill you.   The not knowing.   The wondering if you are doing the right thing.   You make a decision and then you wait for the universe to have its turn to give you an answer.  It feels like the consequences unfold out of your hands.   There are so many untamed and miserable thoughts that  seem so clear, yet unclear when you are in those quiet moments waiting.   The most prevalent being that, you chose wrong.   Being a custodian of another life is no small responsibility.   It puts you in a position to decide.   To chose.   To live with the decision you make; forever.

Life is always better than dying...until it's not.  Even if letting a horse die is the right thing to do; it's not what owners are built for.   I don't like to lose and death feels like the ultimate loss...even when it's not.   She let us know it was time after nearly a week.   In my naive arrogance I believed she would have colic surgery.  She would need after care.   She would return home and see Stewy grow up to be a champion.  Isn't that what the fairy tales read like?   But this story doesn't have a happy ending.   This story is the reality of being a farmer, a horse owner, a human.   This story is about all horses and all horse owners at some point in their journey together.   Horses are one of the strongest, most benevolent creatures that God has graced us with taming.   Yet they are so incredibly fragile.   But if we listen really close and we open our hearts; shed our egos, we get a connection to these creatures that defies magic.    We can ask this deep question of life choice and we can know it's right.  Wanda gave us her blessing to help her cross over.   To end her suffering.   She expressed that her purpose here was served and that she was ready.  We can know that we did everything we could even when it's hard to shake that feeling that you could have done more.   

I honour her for giving me 2 of the most precious gifts she could have given me.  She gave me 2 additional lives; that have enriched my life beyond gratitude.   She gave me her 2 best creations and for that I will always be grateful to her.

Wanda was a fiery red head.   She had an opinion and she was clearly a mare that you asked; not told and could not be bought.  It was the part of her character that made her a wonderful mama.    She was affectionately known as "Chubbers"!   Food was her #1 motivator!    She was a curvy girl and her solid big bone was the foundation of some of the best breeding stock.   She was our foundation mare at the farm.  The foundation of our little herd.   Her cheerful whinny and brilliant copper penny shine will be truly missed.   

Run free you stoic girl...find Izzy.

Retirement, New Shelter, Running Season Ends for 2015

Retirement...the place that so many seek as a destination on their journey in this life.   Some can't wait to get there.   Some don't ever want to get there.   Some think it's just so far fetched.  Other can't believe their reality when it happens.   

I had the pleasure this past week of seeing two very wonderful guys off on their next step in life.   I got to witness the ups and downs leading up to their last day.  The thoughts about this being the last day with the guys that they have spent most of their adult lives with for more time in a waking day than their wives and families.    The thoughts of not having to get up at 5AM and the thoughts of still waking up at 5AM because you have for so long.   I could see the mixed emotions as the days drew to an end.   I could see the sheer joy of taking the next step the night I got to send them off with the rest of my co-workers on this exciting next phase.   

I personally have many years left before eligibility for retirement.   I'm looking forward to those days like I believe most of us working stiffs do.  However I am not rushing the process of getting there because I know at the point when I reach that next phase...my life will be closer to the end than the start.   And in reality...I don't want to wish away my life.   I know that life is today.  Today is to be lived before tomorrow comes.  

Congrats to both Mark and Paul...As a new coach having both of you in the crew with your 70+ years experience I was taken care of.  I know what you both did for me and I appreciate that in the most sincere way.   I know my next months adjusting to not having your support as Team Leader and Welder Specialist will be a challenge.  You will leave a big gap in my daily level of ease; I realized all the little things you both did to keep 'our' line running.   Thank you and congrats on your much deserved retirement.

Here we are at the office coffee and Carrot Cake...Mark embarrassed me with a big hug that I was totally not expecting.  Pretty rare for these guys to get me too!  We sure do have a lot of fun at a place called "work"!

And then at the night of farewell drinks.  Wish I could have stayed longer…I hear it was a pretty fun party after I left!  :-)

Funny...I left a retirement party early to join a group of women I ride with who are all mostly retired!!   Most of them on early retirement but damn you girls make me envious of the riding in mid afternoon and drinking wine all night with a text to a DD (AKA, significant other) for a ride home!   I really should have planned better that night!   Here is Andrea, Sharon and I out for a sunny afternoon hack a few weeks ago when I played hookie for the afternoon and lived the pretend "horse wife" retired life!  PS - Special thanks to Andrea for loaning me her wonderful and reliable Arty.  :-)  I was the only one that afternoon who didn't have to sit through a single spook!

The cowgirl cadillac was put to good use restocking shelters with feed.   I can get a full feed and hay supply for one shelter in one trip.

The second round of stacking wood has got underway.

Start

Finish

A month ago I had an incident with Stewy and Wanda both thinking they could fit through one open door on the barn at the same time.   Wanda is no skinny chicken...so when Stewy charged his way in beside her mid barrel...something had to give.   It turned out to be the window in the barn door!   Lesson learned!  Stewy is no longer allowed to be free from pasture to barn.  He is haltered and lead just like mama.

Smashed! **Special thanks to Anbi for helping with clean up!   What a bloody mess.

Temporarily Repaired

Now Fixed Again

The new 3 horse shelter in Pasture #1 is taking shape.   The initial plan is to make this the turnout field for Stewy (when he's weaned) and our 2 boarders.    

Rafters are up.

Walls are going up.

Running season has come to an end for this year.  Theresa and I finished off our season with the Hamilton 5K Santa Run at Pier 4.   It was a warm, sunny day and WAY too hot to be running 5K in a Santa suit!  Despite the heat it turned out to be a great end to the 2015 season for both Theresa and I.   I won the Female Masters Division and was 5th place over female.   Feeling pretty happy with this season and this finish; as all the female finishers ahead of me were 24 and under!   Theresa had a great strong finish as well ending up first in her age group.   We both scored really fun medals for being race division winners!   Training now starts for the 30K Around the Bay and a prep 1/2 marathon before the Bay race.  :-)

Winning the Female masters division

Theresa and I close out 2015 with 2 division wins!

Getting a Leg Up, Running PB, Girls Weekend and Sundry News from the Farm

It's been awhile since I posted about life on the farm that doesn't involve the loss of Izzy.   I won't promise those moments of loss won't still find their way here.   I know that over the last 6 weeks I have had seemingly innocent, nothing moments bring me right back to that evening in the sand ring.   The latest being a trip to the grocery store.  I know, how crazy can a trip to the grocery store get?   I wandered past the reduced to clear fruit rack and thought, "Oh, I'll get those bananas for Izzy."   That was a frequent occurrence, as she loved bananas.   How the mind can play such harsh and malicious tricks on us when we think we are journeying into a new realm.

I took a week of vacation in October.  Fall is my favourite time of year.  I have always loved to ride in the cool, sunny days and venture through the woods with the smell of leaves underfoot.    On vacation I surrounded myself with the love of horsewomen.  I ventured to the Josh Nichol clinic that I was supposed to be attending with Izzy.  As difficult as it was to go to the clinic and sit in a place of longing for what was supposed to be and what was an opportunity missed; I needed the support of these wonderful friends to help me along this pilgrimage.   Everyone has been asking if I am getting a new horse, if I have ridden and in general, what my plans now are for the future.   I am still lost in my thoughts over the future.   I know the universe will give me the answers I need when I am open enough and ready to receive them.   However, on Oct 22nd, it was a beautiful sunny fall day.   It was time for me to remember why I ride horses in the first place.    I saddled Emma and thru my leg over a horse for the first time since I came off a horse in the worst of ways.   When something you loves with such connection dies beneath you and you can feel that through to your core...it changes you.  Throwing a leg over a horse was not something in my mind I could take lightly.    I felt so many things that sunny afternoon...but the thing that stuck with me as a walked with the sun on my face towards the woods from the back of the barn was the words from a dear friend.   Words that I knew in my hurting heart but needed to hear with the love they were expressed with.   Her words were, "The hurt came from the back of a horse but the healing will come from there too."    Thank you my friend...

Running

There has been a great deal of running in the last 6 weeks.   I had a PB on a 5K race.  Chip time of 22:49 and Second overall finisher.

Run to the Fair in Dorchester for another great finish.   Second in the female masters division.

Ran the stairs and the escarpment trail several times during my lunch.

Road2Hope 10k at the Hamilton waterfront.   Not a stellar fast race for me with a back of the pack start position but still managed a second place finish in my age group.   Love this trail as it's a staple running spot on my lunches.

This fall has been an exceptional race season with running partner Theresa.   So lucky to have her as part of my running journey.  To have shared so many races together gives me such wonderful memories.  Thank you Theresa for being on this fitness and racing journey together...xo.

Girls Weekend

I am so fortunate to still be close friends with 6 women I went to high school with.   Four of us have been together since grade 1!   These women are my sisters.   They have enriched my life, they have shared their lives with me.   We know some of the most intimate details about each other.   Together we have seen all the milestones that a group of 40+ year old women encounter.   We have shared sleepless nights; endless nights in deep conversations.   College nights in places our parents should never find out about!   We have weathered the test of time.   As true friends we have rose to the occasion.   I couldn't image my life without these women.  Love you all for your unique and individual strengths.   You have all blessed my life...I am so fortunate.

Girls weekend was at the farm.  :-)  What a fun adventure we had!  Even got up close and personal with Clark's chicken!   LOL

Here we are at my fav local hot spot, Twisted Lemon at the best table ever!   Love the chef's table.

AND because these women are truly the best ever…they prearranged a surprise baby shower for me!   As friends as close as they are to me…they know the reasons I have only fur kids and surprising me with this party was one of the most amazingly joyful and tearful moments of the weekend for me.

Stewy has a new blanket thanks to this crew of doting 'Aunts'.   xo love you Girls…to the moon and back.

Round Pen

The base footing is now complete!   We let the drainage stone settle for a season.   It's now ready for sand and the wood fencing.  Hurray...Stewy's new playpen will be ready to go when he is!

Operation Winter Warmth

30 boxes of wood stacked and ready to burn this winter.   30 more will likely still be needed to get us through the winter but this is half way there.

Trail Cam

Lots of action in the woods at the trail entrance and through the trail.

New Tree

After much love and desperate trying, I could not save the tri-colour birch that Reta gave me when we moved here.   It was dug out of the ground at least 3 times by Molly in the puppy years as she wolfed mouth fulls of soil that I had enriched with bone meal!!   Each time I would replant and pack the soil and water it and pray that it would make it through the trauma.   But even prayer couldn't save the beauty.   So the dead twig that it turned into after a freezing winter and relentlessly hot summer stayed planted all year as a solid reminder that this tree needed to be replaced.   On many occasions DH and I stopped at different garden centres but could never find one that held a candle to that lovely tree.   As a surprise, last month Reta and Bill replaced that tree with one even more beautiful.   It has been planted and guarded from dogs.   No more puppy phase so lets now pray it makes it through the winter and shares its glory next spring.

Food

Well...with no horse to ride on a regular basis at the moment....food has become a much more popular pass time.   The miles need to be clocked on my shoes now to counter balance the delicious meals and treats that have been pouring out of the kitchen.  UGH!!!

Jalapeno poppers made with peppers from my garden.

Stewy

He's growing like an obnoxious little weed!   He should have been named Shark, not Stuart!   He's super smooth and cute.   He glides in close and looks so curious and brave.   Then he grabs you when you least expect it!  And boy he's fast!

He's croup high right now but look how much he has grown!

Last but not least…

What would a blog post be without the mutts….love my fur babies!

Onward...

I think I am on the cusp of acceptance...or at least right now I am trying to tell myself this.  I know I need to move on and find gratitude in what good surrounds me.  I can't quite say that all the tears have dried but I know, no matter how broken my heart is to have one more ride...it won't bring her back.  I won't ever see her goofy smile.   I won't be dazzled by her wild mane and free spirit.   I won't be blessed by her kindness as she taught me life lessons.  It just won't ever be as it was because change is an indifferent warrior.

I have always thought that the serious changes in life happen over time; slowly.   That's just not true.   The big stuff happens in an instant.   It changes us and a new course is set, ready or not.

I water her tree faithfully every night.   Sometimes I rush through the task to get myself off that hill to stop myself from thinking about all that once was or could have been.   Sometimes I sit there in stillness, with tears seeping out as I will them not to fall.   

I haven't yet put all of her equipment away; cleaned the last bits of her sweat from the leather that was closest to her skin.   

I haven't yet found closure but maybe it's not part of my journey…

Tonight I walked through the trails on the farm with my dogs.   I have rarely walked the trails, as most of my time at the bush has been spent on a horse.   It felt funny.   I cried.   I lost my dogs…something that never happened on horseback.  I thought a lot about moving on and not looking back anymore.

I struggle deeply with the question why?  As I believe most people do when they experience trauma.  How this seemingly random act of unfathomably horrific juncture ties into my life story?   How can what just happened be part of my life learning?   What is the message I am expected to take from this to move on; make my life better; make me a better contributor to my family and society?

I am trying patiently to wait for the good in this to reveal itself.   In my heart, I know that she sacrificed for me; for my story to continue on; for me to learn.   In my heart I know that good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place.   So now I become still.   I breath.   I listen.  I wait for the message to reveal itself.  I move forward as best that I can.   Reminding myself that nothing is in vain that carried this much love.

Onward.....

Happy 10th Anniversary

Ten years ago today I married this man.

I have learned a lot in 10 years of marriage.   I have learned that marriage is made up of two good forgivers.  Because every marriage is made up of two sinners. (Romans 3:23)  
In 10 years we have seen the full cycle of highs and lows that love and loss generate in a decade of life together.
He has stood with me, behind me, at times in front of me and even against me....protecting me, supporting me, pushing me and forgiving me.    Through our 10 years I have more than tested him and vise-a-versa.   Our opposite dispositions at times creating our opposition; yet also creating a sense of balance.   

Coincidentally, when on holidays this summer our conversation somehow came around to him telling me that one thing he dislikes about me is that I am quite demanding.  He quickly added that it's not all bad, that at times the 'demanding me' is for all the right reasons.   He also quickly added that he knows that my demanding personality is with good intent but sometimes it can be difficult.   He recognized I demand a great deal from myself, not just from others.   I sat there listening in somewhat shock, in somewhat recognition of my own shortcoming.  It's not like that's the first time I heard it.   But does it ever get easier to hear negative feedback about yourself...especially from the ones you love?   The part that stuck and the part that has likely kept us married for 10 years was what he said afterwards.   He said, "I have learned how to manage you and ignore you at the same time.  I filter and I decide what I will let you push me around on and I just ignore the other stuff."   So in the end...his indifference to my demands (which I hate by the way) is also the personality trait he possesses that has kept us married for 10 years!   

You may be saying, Ok what's the moral of this story?   The moral is this...Sometimes love knows no limits to its harshness, its intimacy, its level of flexibility and inflexibility .   Love sometimes hurts us and comforts us in the same breath, by the same person.   It can make us crazy.  It's the same endorphins in our brain that get released by a loved one that get released from an addiction.   Love can make us feel like we can do anything, be anything and achieve anything...and once we have tasted it, we always want more.   The thing about love...when it's good, it's really good.   But when it's bad, it's really bad and it hurts like hell.   If you can find the way within your love to balance those ups and downs...that's what will keep you from going crazy.

In 10 years the romance of the early years is maybe less than it once was. (;-)   Life events tend to trump romance as time passes but love is the pillar that forms in all those dull moments were everyday life happens.   The infinity of house chores, the monotony of cutting acres of grass or weeding of gardens and the treachery of hard labor that comes with being working farmers.   Love is the peaceful dull moments that happen when all the other stuff is going on that seem like nothing.   But this is the love that adds up into a life.   Love shows up in all forms...the smallest gesture, the cheeky comment, the goofy grin when your exhausted and even the somber silence in a heated argument. 

It's been one helluva decade...We've certainly weathered a tremendous bunch of storms thus far.   We've grown, we've learned and we have become new people.
Much Love
xo

Goodbye

According to the dictionary grief is keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss: sharp sorrow; painful regret. 

The thing about grief is it looks different on everyone.   Death isn't the only thing we grieve, it's life, it's love, it's loss, it's change.    One of these things just opens us up, guts us and leaves us bleeding, so all those things we have kept inside come out to be reckoned with.   Grief leaves us questioning our power, our choices, our strength, our ability to overcome it.   Grief comes in its own way and in its own time for everyone.   So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try and be honest and gentle with ourselves.   Recognize that the really crappy thing about grief is that you can't control it, it just happens.   The best thing we can do it to let ourselves feel it and try and let it go when we can.   Then just when we think it's over and we've made it past it; it will be back, full on, back to where we started.   And every time it takes our breath away.   

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, grief has five phases: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.   When we suffer a catastrophic loss we all go through these 5 phases.  Catastrophic loss isn't always death either, so that's the part that can catch you off guard,   not expecting to be derailed by loss of love or a big life change.  But know this...No one gets a free pass and gets to take the next train.   We have to move through these phases to emerge on the other side.   Some of us get stuck in a phase for a long time...we get lost there trying to resolve what may never need resolving.   Some of us pass through a stage so quickly, we hardly know we went through it.   

We start off in denial that the loss is so unthinkable that it can't possibly be true.   Then we're just plain angry.   Angry about the circumstances and past hurt.   Angry at survivors and angry at ourselves.  Then we start the bargaining.   We start to beg.   We plead.  We offer up whatever we have, to have just one more day, one more kiss, one more anything to take us back to how things used to be.   Once we realize that the bargaining has failed and the anger is just too hard to maintain; we strike up a deal with depression.   We reach despair.   Then, finally we fall into acceptance.   We have done all that we could and we can't change the past.   We can't bring them back, we can't make someone love us, we can't keep looking back.   We let go.   We move on and we try to build something new with what we have left and what we have learned.

We all grieve.  We have all suffered our own personal losses.   We can’t always control what the universe sends to us.   We don’t always know what will set us adrift.   We just have to trust that the universe has a plan for us and that once we go through the phases we will be stronger and have more power than we ever thought imaginable for us.

RIP - Disney (Izzy) 20Apr2007 - 21Sep2015

I write this post with the heaviest of hearts.    The tears have not yet stopped.   My beloved Izzy past over to the other side last night from a fatal heart attack or aneurysm while I was riding her last evening.   It was the truest showing of her character, her bravery and willingness as she schooled politely and confidently right to her final steps.    When the moment of recognition struck me that this was the end; it immobilized me with fear.   Fear that I had not done all I could for her.   Fear that I had done something wrong.   Fear that her wings had come before my heart was ready to let her go.   Her passing was quick and immediate...within 5 minutes.   Which in the shattering of my heart felt like an eternity.  I quite literally wailed with raw emotion into her cheek, bent over her head so she did not transition alone.   

I read once that the dash on a headstone is really just the overlooked part in the chronology of a life.   But the dash is all that stuff in between the birth and death that meant the most.  It's the life that was lived and shared and learned.   It's all the places and people that life touches and all the love and forgiveness that happened on the journey.   The dash is what life is all about.
So I will honour the dash this little horse gave in her short years of life.   Honour it for what she taught me because in the big scheme of the universe, she taught me far more than I her.   

Mostly she taught me that life happens now, in the present moment and with no judgement about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow.  It's the now that counts and it's the now that we have control over.   She was a now horse!   She was a goofy, confident and brave horse.   So different from any other horses I had before her.   She taught me about not taking life or situations all too seriously.   She taught me that dressage isn't just serious schooling of figures and maneuvers.   But it was about making any horse a better horse through training in a loving and compassionate way.   That making beautiful maneuvers required a mentally connected horse for harmony because a horse's body always follows its mind.   Because that is how horses have survived for centuries...in the moment.

She taught me humility and forgiveness.   She was that crazy 3 year old that bucked me off at her mare inspection as the crowd of spectators gasped.   She made sure her voice was always heard and that I understood that she was to be always fairly negotiated with and could not be bought.   This taught me a great deal of respect for her and for all horses that come after her.   She taught me that these creatures we love and bring into our lives let us learn and make mistakes and they forgive us and they continue to forgive us even when our learning is slow and sometimes treacherous.    These benevolent beast try their hearts out to figure out our language without words and they do it with outstanding success.  
In the learning of social humility, she taught me about sometimes being gentle with myself as well.   That saying I am sorry to myself for the gaps I have created yet recognize are just as important as a heart felt I'm sorry to a loved one.   She taught me that how I make her feel is how she learns and remembers...making that a positive exchange, were creating a bond as a fair, concise leader was a good deal and such an important factor in training horses.   That positive, fair exchange is a life lesson to be taken everywhere.    In all the difficult or joyous situations in my life, I remember not the words people said but how I felt about the exchange.   This is big...as she had no words and I none for her, other than the energy we exchanged.  

So in keeping with how the dash makes up the whole life and all that living in between the start and end date...We shared a lot in 5 years together.   We seen marks for an all time high of my riding career of 80.9% in the FEI 4 Year Old Division.   Earning her the highest scoring 4 year old horse in Canada that year.  We seen many miles of trails, many perfect and not so perfect circles.   Together we came from that scrawny little 15.1hh 3 year old with the wild forelock to a powerful, athletic and developed 16hh young horse.   We met some amazing people on our journey, who guided us or provide support or just made us their friends.   We played with horsemanship to strengthen our relationship and discover our energy.   We jumped logs and even real jumps!   We tried aside and rode bareback.  We shared amazing sunrises and sunsets.   We shared in the beauty of the fields showing their first hint of green in the spring and the wonder of riding the trails in the winter under a full moon.   We made it a goal to not take ourselves to seriously and she lead that full on by example.  

Izzy knew my secrets; I braided her mane with tears and whispered my dreams in her ears. She made the barn a sanctuary in such a hectic and unsettled world; a sheltered place were the priorities of life are clear: a warm place to sleep, someone who loves you and the luxury of square meals. Those are good reminders for us all.

In stepping back this is what she has taught me but it isn't really much about horses - It's about love, life and learning.  I mark this loss with gratitude for how she blessed my life in so many ways. We share memories of joy, awe and wonder. An absolute union. I honour you Izzy for your brave heart, courage and willingness. 

May your wings make you free...even tho I wasn't ready to set you free. Love you girl...you're a special little horse...I will carry the essence of your spirit with me. Thank you for making me a better human.
Peace and Lovexo

Here she rests under a beautiful orange glow sugar maple, planted so she will forever provide shelter to those who come next.