Horsepower Haven: RIP - Disney (Izzy) 20Apr2007

I write this post with the heaviest of hearts. The tears have not yet stopped. My beloved Izzy past over to the other side last night from a fatal heart attack or aneurysm while I was riding her last evening. It was the truest showing of her character, her bravery and willingness as she schooled politely and confidently right to her final steps. When the moment of recognition struck me that this was the end; it immobilized me with fear. Fear that I had not done all I could for her. Fear that I had done something wrong. Fear that her wings had come before my heart was ready to let her go. Her passing was quick and immediate...within 5 minutes. Which in the shattering of my heart felt like an eternity. I quite literally wailed with raw emotion into her cheek, bent over her head so she did not transition alone.

I read once that the dash on a headstone is really just the overlooked part in the chronology of a life. But the dash is all that stuff in between the birth and death that meant the most. It's the life that was lived and shared and learned. It's all the places and people that life touches and all the love and forgiveness that happened on the journey. The dash is what life is all about.
So I will honour the dash this little horse gave in her short years of life. Honour it for what she taught me because in the big scheme of the universe, she taught me far more than I her.

Mostly she taught me that life happens now, in the present moment and with no judgement about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow. It's the now that counts and it's the now that we have control over. She was a now horse! She was a goofy, confident and brave horse. So different from any other horses I had before her. She taught me about not taking life or situations all too seriously. She taught me that dressage isn't just serious schooling of figures and maneuvers. But it was about making any horse a better horse through training in a loving and compassionate way. That making beautiful maneuvers required a mentally connected horse for harmony because a horse's body always follows its mind. Because that is how horses have survived for centuries...in the moment.

She taught me humility and forgiveness. She was that crazy 3 year old that bucked me off at her mare inspection as the crowd of spectators gasped. She made sure her voice was always heard and that I understood that she was to be always fairly negotiated with and could not be bought. This taught me a great deal of respect for her and for all horses that come after her. She taught me that these creatures we love and bring into our lives let us learn and make mistakes and they forgive us and they continue to forgive us even when our learning is slow and sometimes treacherous. These benevolent beast try their hearts out to figure out our language without words and they do it with outstanding success.
In the learning of social humility, she taught me about sometimes being gentle with myself as well. That saying I am sorry to myself for the gaps I have created yet recognize are just as important as a heart felt I'm sorry to a loved one. She taught me that how I make her feel is how she learns and remembers...making that a positive exchange, were creating a bond as a fair, concise leader was a good deal and such an important factor in training horses. That positive, fair exchange is a life lesson to be taken everywhere. In all the difficult or joyous situations in my life, I remember not the words people said but how I felt about the exchange. This is big...as she had no words and I none for her, other than the energy we exchanged.

So in keeping with how the dash makes up the whole life and all that living in between the start and end date...We shared a lot in 5 years together. We seen marks for an all time high of my riding career of 80.9% in the FEI 4 Year Old Division. Earning her the highest scoring 4 year old horse in Canada that year. We seen many miles of trails, many perfect and not so perfect circles. Together we came from that scrawny little 15.1hh 3 year old with the wild forelock to a powerful, athletic and developed 16hh young horse. We met some amazing people on our journey, who guided us or provide support or just made us their friends. We played with horsemanship to strengthen our relationship and discover our energy. We jumped logs and even real jumps! We tried aside and rode bareback. We shared amazing sunrises and sunsets. We shared in the beauty of the fields showing their first hint of green in the spring and the wonder of riding the trails in the winter under a full moon. We made it a goal to not take ourselves to seriously and she lead that full on by example.

Izzy knew my secrets; I braided her mane with tears and whispered my dreams in her ears. She made the barn a sanctuary in such a hectic and unsettled world; a sheltered place were the priorities of life are clear: a warm place to sleep, someone who loves you and the luxury of square meals. Those are good reminders for us all.

In stepping back this is what she has taught me but it isn't really much about horses - It's about love, life and learning. I mark this loss with gratitude for how she blessed my life in so many ways. We share memories of joy, awe and wonder. An absolute union. I honour you Izzy for your brave heart, courage and willingness.

May your wings make you free...even tho I wasn't ready to set you free. Love you girl...you're a special little horse...I will carry the essence of your spirit with me. Thank you for making me a better human.
Peace and Lovexo