With the losses of the past months I have realized that nothing is forever. NOTHING! The universe continues on its path of the sun setting if it was a happy day or dreadful day. That sun it still goes down and it still comes back up the next day. Because that day is gone and it's not meant to be forever. Even when we want something real bad or think we need it to survive...we don't. We can get on with a lot less than we had before. We can make do. We can make a new normal. These thoughts of forever make me question the sheer logic of humans and why we would ever think things are forever...when the only constant in life is change.
What I have come to realize is that I no longer expect the pain to eventually stop. I no longer expect that one day I will wake up and find myself not longing for one more ride or one more peek at the copper coat in the sunshine. I now believe that the pain will just get dull. It's like any trauma...it leaves a scar. The wound will heal but the scar will always be there. Sometimes it will be visible and sometimes it will be cloaked. But the scar remains. The scar manifests change. I guess my hope is that the pain just turns to an ache. That the knowledge will turn to wisdom. That the memories that now bring tears will eventually bring a small smile. The scar will be constant. A reminder of not only the pain; but eventually the relationship.
I used to think I wanted closure. How has this become part of my story? Why is this new scar part of my journey? What purpose is this serving me to grow? I no longer believe that closure is an appropriate concept. It implies an ending or finishing to the relationship. But in reality, it lives on. Through my heart; with stories and memories. This relationship has simply changed. Now I hope for understanding. To help me through to lightness. To guide me on the next part of my journey. To no longer test my strength but help open the realm of understanding for me to move into the next phase. To align me with where I am supposed go. To help me be open to forgive and again share gratitude. To show me how to embrace change.
I have been given feedback that my blog has been 'deep' or even 'dark' the last while. Yes. Yes, it has! Lets face it folks, death is both deep and dark when you are on the loss side of it. I have consciously decided to through down my invisibility cloak. I have decided that at 40+ it's ok to be who I am and let others see sides of me that have been heavily guarded or not particularly pretty. Because I think these two horses have given me powerful authenticity.
Stories don't always have happy endings. Love is sometimes tragic. Brave sometimes means being brave enough to break your own heart. And being in a place of stillness to find understanding isn't always comfortable. But my hope is that I will look back on this moment in time as a sweet time of grieving. I will acknowledge that I was mourning. My heart was broken...but my life was changing.
Sheila, there's so much I'd like to say to you to help you through your grief, but I'll just share a few words. The day after Greg died a friend said these words to me....People will tell you that time heals. It doesn't. How could you want to heal like a wound that is eventually gone as if he was never there. But time will make it more bearable.
ReplyDeleteI clung to these words for a long time and they still make me tear up. The promise of life being bearable was something to cling to and eventually the words came true.
Life isn't fair. You are strong though, and will certainly learn how to embrace life wholeheartedly for the joys that still can be had. (You already know that, but it comes more-so when you hit the magical age of 50, I promise!)xo
Sheila, I can't agree with you more when you wrote "I have consciously decided to throw down my invisibility cloak. I have decided that at 40+ it's ok to be who I am and let others see sides of me that have been heavily guarded or not particularly pretty." I believe decisions like that one, shows we are all human. We can't always be that brazen "Warrior Goddess", ever ready with our shields (or cloaks). I don't see your blog, your writings as dark, rather, I see a woman bold enough to show how vulnerable she is/can be, during times in her life. For me, your blog shows your courage and how brave you are. I also understand those scars or scabs can be scraped open at the least expected times in our lives, and it's still OK to just "be", to grieve and acknowledge what is happening, but still be present in the moment.
ReplyDeleteSheila, I can't agree with you more when you wrote "I have consciously decided to throw down my invisibility cloak. I have decided that at 40+ it's ok to be who I am and let others see sides of me that have been heavily guarded or not particularly pretty." I believe decisions like that one, shows we are all human. We can't always be that brazen "Warrior Goddess", ever ready with our shields (or cloaks). I don't see your blog, your writings as dark, rather, I see a woman bold enough to show how vulnerable she is/can be, during times in her life. For me, your blog shows your courage and how brave you are. I also understand those scars or scabs can be scraped open at the least expected times in our lives, and it's still OK to just "be", to grieve and acknowledge what is happening, but still be present in the moment.
ReplyDelete