Wanda, the big mama of the farm, has made her way to find Izzy. She battled so strong and so hard against what we thought was chronic gas colic since she foaled Stewy. She lost weight. I fed her more. She coliced. I called the vets. She coliced again and again from Sept to Nov. I had Drs Tom and Cassie on speed dial. We made her comfortable through chemistry as the bouts became more frequent and their duration lengthened. After battling for 3 days with down and out moments and brighter perky moment, I finally made the call that this can't possibly be gas. On Nov 28th we loaded her into the trailer and delivered her to the University of Guelph for full diagnostics and treatment. It was discovered she was in liver failure and had many complications which are yet to be hopefully explained through autopsy.
For days we suffered through the agony of waiting for the news from the team of highly experienced veterinarians that were working on her case. They would call with news that she was the same or maybe slightly improved. They would call with news that she was moved to isolation and was presenting new signs. They would call with news that her blood work had come back again or such and such test was completed or that they were regrouping to try and brainstorm for new root causes. She was a unique case. One that baffled the top doctors at the university.
The waiting can kill you. The not knowing. The wondering if you are doing the right thing. You make a decision and then you wait for the universe to have its turn to give you an answer. It feels like the consequences unfold out of your hands. There are so many untamed and miserable thoughts that seem so clear, yet unclear when you are in those quiet moments waiting. The most prevalent being that, you chose wrong. Being a custodian of another life is no small responsibility. It puts you in a position to decide. To chose. To live with the decision you make; forever.
Life is always better than dying...until it's not. Even if letting a horse die is the right thing to do; it's not what owners are built for. I don't like to lose and death feels like the ultimate loss...even when it's not. She let us know it was time after nearly a week. In my naive arrogance I believed she would have colic surgery. She would need after care. She would return home and see Stewy grow up to be a champion. Isn't that what the fairy tales read like? But this story doesn't have a happy ending. This story is the reality of being a farmer, a horse owner, a human. This story is about all horses and all horse owners at some point in their journey together. Horses are one of the strongest, most benevolent creatures that God has graced us with taming. Yet they are so incredibly fragile. But if we listen really close and we open our hearts; shed our egos, we get a connection to these creatures that defies magic. We can ask this deep question of life choice and we can know it's right. Wanda gave us her blessing to help her cross over. To end her suffering. She expressed that her purpose here was served and that she was ready. We can know that we did everything we could even when it's hard to shake that feeling that you could have done more.
I honour her for giving me 2 of the most precious gifts she could have given me. She gave me 2 additional lives; that have enriched my life beyond gratitude. She gave me her 2 best creations and for that I will always be grateful to her.
Wanda was a fiery red head. She had an opinion and she was clearly a mare that you asked; not told and could not be bought. It was the part of her character that made her a wonderful mama. She was affectionately known as "Chubbers"! Food was her #1 motivator! She was a curvy girl and her solid big bone was the foundation of some of the best breeding stock. She was our foundation mare at the farm. The foundation of our little herd. Her cheerful whinny and brilliant copper penny shine will be truly missed.
Run free you stoic girl...find Izzy.
I am incredibly sorry for your loss Sheila. Thank you for sharing your love, Wanda's contribution to you personally, and to the rest of her friends/family on your farm. Anyone who knows Sheila Dunbar, knows you went far beyond anyone could/would for her red headed mama. We also know, the incredible courage it took for you to see the greater good for that mama, which was to let her free. Her illness is an enigma, but imagine the good she has done for Stewy, but also for the better of sick horses to come in the future. I get that you, (or Wanda) do not want to be the one to teach the best Specialist Horse Vets from Guelph University about what the heck happened and how they may approach it the next time they are faced with something similar. But that's what Wanda will be. Among a great number of other joyful things, she will be remembered as the 1st horse with this condition and they will learn and maybe even save horses in the future because of Wanda. Sheila Dunbar is the woman/owner who understands that:
ReplyDelete-"Wanda gave us her blessing to help her cross over. To end her suffering." Not many people understand or hear or feel that Wanda "expressed that her purpose here was served and that she was ready to cross." I am so glad to hear you say, and we believe you without a doubt, that you "can know that you did everything you could, even when it's hard to shake that feeling that you could have done more." Hang onto that my friend. Come back and read your posting every day, twice a day until you find your "feet" again and walk (trot) with that feeling of being grounded and coming to terms with all of these traumatic events. I hope you know you are being held and supported by SO many people in your life you may not even imagine. Again, so incredibly sorry for your loss. Much love from DD.
Sheila, I am so sorry to read this. It brings back memories for me with a very special mare 10 years ago, also at OVC, also with multiple tests, roller coaster improvements and setbacks, baffled vets, etc. Also not a fairy tale outcome :(. It was 3 weeks of hell to be quite honest, and the experience haunts me to this day.
ReplyDeleteYou did well by Wanda. I am very glad I got to meet her and witness Stewie's birth. She was a wonderful mare and mother. She would not have let you know she was ready to cross if there was anything more you could have done, or if she was not convinced that Stewie would be fine without her. The special mares are very wise that way.
I am so, so sorry :(.