RIP - Disney (Izzy) 20Apr2007 - 21Sep2015

I write this post with the heaviest of hearts.    The tears have not yet stopped.   My beloved Izzy past over to the other side last night from a fatal heart attack or aneurysm while I was riding her last evening.   It was the truest showing of her character, her bravery and willingness as she schooled politely and confidently right to her final steps.    When the moment of recognition struck me that this was the end; it immobilized me with fear.   Fear that I had not done all I could for her.   Fear that I had done something wrong.   Fear that her wings had come before my heart was ready to let her go.   Her passing was quick and immediate...within 5 minutes.   Which in the shattering of my heart felt like an eternity.  I quite literally wailed with raw emotion into her cheek, bent over her head so she did not transition alone.   

I read once that the dash on a headstone is really just the overlooked part in the chronology of a life.   But the dash is all that stuff in between the birth and death that meant the most.  It's the life that was lived and shared and learned.   It's all the places and people that life touches and all the love and forgiveness that happened on the journey.   The dash is what life is all about.
So I will honour the dash this little horse gave in her short years of life.   Honour it for what she taught me because in the big scheme of the universe, she taught me far more than I her.   

Mostly she taught me that life happens now, in the present moment and with no judgement about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow.  It's the now that counts and it's the now that we have control over.   She was a now horse!   She was a goofy, confident and brave horse.   So different from any other horses I had before her.   She taught me about not taking life or situations all too seriously.   She taught me that dressage isn't just serious schooling of figures and maneuvers.   But it was about making any horse a better horse through training in a loving and compassionate way.   That making beautiful maneuvers required a mentally connected horse for harmony because a horse's body always follows its mind.   Because that is how horses have survived for centuries...in the moment.

She taught me humility and forgiveness.   She was that crazy 3 year old that bucked me off at her mare inspection as the crowd of spectators gasped.   She made sure her voice was always heard and that I understood that she was to be always fairly negotiated with and could not be bought.   This taught me a great deal of respect for her and for all horses that come after her.   She taught me that these creatures we love and bring into our lives let us learn and make mistakes and they forgive us and they continue to forgive us even when our learning is slow and sometimes treacherous.    These benevolent beast try their hearts out to figure out our language without words and they do it with outstanding success.  
In the learning of social humility, she taught me about sometimes being gentle with myself as well.   That saying I am sorry to myself for the gaps I have created yet recognize are just as important as a heart felt I'm sorry to a loved one.   She taught me that how I make her feel is how she learns and remembers...making that a positive exchange, were creating a bond as a fair, concise leader was a good deal and such an important factor in training horses.   That positive, fair exchange is a life lesson to be taken everywhere.    In all the difficult or joyous situations in my life, I remember not the words people said but how I felt about the exchange.   This is big...as she had no words and I none for her, other than the energy we exchanged.  

So in keeping with how the dash makes up the whole life and all that living in between the start and end date...We shared a lot in 5 years together.   We seen marks for an all time high of my riding career of 80.9% in the FEI 4 Year Old Division.   Earning her the highest scoring 4 year old horse in Canada that year.  We seen many miles of trails, many perfect and not so perfect circles.   Together we came from that scrawny little 15.1hh 3 year old with the wild forelock to a powerful, athletic and developed 16hh young horse.   We met some amazing people on our journey, who guided us or provide support or just made us their friends.   We played with horsemanship to strengthen our relationship and discover our energy.   We jumped logs and even real jumps!   We tried aside and rode bareback.  We shared amazing sunrises and sunsets.   We shared in the beauty of the fields showing their first hint of green in the spring and the wonder of riding the trails in the winter under a full moon.   We made it a goal to not take ourselves to seriously and she lead that full on by example.  

Izzy knew my secrets; I braided her mane with tears and whispered my dreams in her ears. She made the barn a sanctuary in such a hectic and unsettled world; a sheltered place were the priorities of life are clear: a warm place to sleep, someone who loves you and the luxury of square meals. Those are good reminders for us all.

In stepping back this is what she has taught me but it isn't really much about horses - It's about love, life and learning.  I mark this loss with gratitude for how she blessed my life in so many ways. We share memories of joy, awe and wonder. An absolute union. I honour you Izzy for your brave heart, courage and willingness. 

May your wings make you free...even tho I wasn't ready to set you free. Love you girl...you're a special little horse...I will carry the essence of your spirit with me. Thank you for making me a better human.
Peace and Lovexo

Here she rests under a beautiful orange glow sugar maple, planted so she will forever provide shelter to those who come next.

Why Do I Run?

Running has become a large part of me in the last several years.  

I have had people tell me I am crazy.   I have had people tell me I am going to ruin my knees.  I have had people say, "I thought the doctor told you not to run?".    I have had people tell me they are not runners...and the only way they would run would be if a clown with a knife was chasing them!   I've had people ask me, 'Why do you run?'

The long and the short of the running gig for me is that it provides me with physical and mental balance in my life.

Running is a from of meditation to me.   It's just my feet, my heart beat and the open road (trail).   It's freedom from my phone, the stress of my day and the to do list I have that never seems to get shorter.   Running lets me be outdoors; to breath the fresh air, to feel the sun and the wind and at times the heat of the day or the cold that freezes your nostrils.  I love the outdoors.  The outdoors is a vital part of what defines me as a person.    

Running lets me replay my day or forget my day.   It lets me get lost in my playlist.  It lets me cry tears of joy and tears of sorrow as the memories of events pass through my thoughts as my feet continue to move me forward in time and space.   Running lets me clear my head and find a space I can relax in and just be.  

Don't get me wrong...running isn't always easy or fun.  I have a love hate relationship at times with running.  There are days when it takes ever human molecule in my body to not talk myself out of running that day.   The reservers of willpower do not overflow from me!   Anyone who knows my relationship with bacon and desserts knows this is certain!   Some days it's a gargantuan effort to just force my feet into my running shoes and not take an easier route to sooth my aliments with a big slice of cake.   But on the days that I win over my fraying willpower are the days I am most satisfied by running even a slow 5K.   Because on those days I won against my will power; instead of my mental torment beating me..I won.   Those are the days that endorphins change my mental health and lead me to a better place than before I ran.

The benefits of running are easy to find if you do a google search on the net.   I had typed in 'Benefits of Running" and had 510 million hits!!!   So I don't need to go through the details here other than sharing my person gains.  I have now been running for just over 3 years.   I ran track in school as a sprinter.   I ran when I worked in Toronto and found the Humber Valley trail my favourite spot until the news reported the Humber Valley rapist.  Yep I was running that trail at night, alone when the women were being sexually assaulted at knife point.   After I heard that news, I stopped running because I had to run at night, alone and lets face it I was scared.   Now, I run mostly alone but I live in a safer place than the streets of Toronto and DH forbids me to run at night on the trail.  

So how has running benefited me?   If you're a runner you will already know...its the transformation in confidence that you feel as you begin to run and improve and become stronger, fitter and mentally fresher.   It's the 20 lbs I have lost...even tho I have gained 5 back.  (well sometimes 3 sometimes 5, depending on the day!) :-)   It's the belief I have gained in my ability to do something I always had told myself I wasn't able to do.   I was a sprinter.  I didn't run distances!   When I was able to finally run my very first 5K without a walk interval I beamed.  I believed in me.   I believed that I was worth every drop of sweat and every aching muscle.   I realized that success was finishing.   Not finishing in an elite athlete time but quite simply, finishing.   I realized in that moment that running can be as driven or as relaxed as the individuals that run.  I ran my first 5K with a long time friend, Lynn at the famous Around the Bay Road Race.  She believed in me when I wasn't a runner...because as a runner, she already knew the benefits.    She knew that being fast wasn't as important as crossing the line in a PB time.  She knew that runners come in all shapes, sizes and walks of life.  They all have their own stories and their own reasons they run and that everyone that runs, does it for their own personal reasons.

Since that first Around the Bay race, I have finished many races.   At this point I can't tell for sure how many but quite a few.   Some races are for the joy of running and seeing the scenery.  Races allow you to be part of something bigger; the energy that races have at the pre-start are unmistakably contagious!   As my racing has progressed over the years I raced always to just simply finish.   That was my success and at times that is still my success.   I have since ran more miles and more races and have started to challenge myself for PB's.   Yet some races are not suited for racing fast, some are still to be ran to finish.  Sometimes training plans get derailed, injuries prevail and simply finishing is still a success because crossing the line with an important person means more than a fast time.   I have learned to listen to my body and run my best race on that day.  Like every woman, we have days in our cycles that drag us down.   So, as I set out on a run I decide to listen to what my body says and take my run in that direction.   Somedays are more suited to along endurance runs and some days are more suited to a fast race pace run.    I don't follow any conventional training plan and at times I think my running will eventually take that direction to further test my running capability.

The other question that I get asked is, "Have you ran a marathon?"    The answer is not yet!  I have run a half and that's far!   I have focused my efforts on middle distance running including 5-12K runs.   This seems to be a good distance for my work and life balance at this point.  Do I want to run a marathon?   You bet I do.   Right now the training required to get my body and mind into condition to run that distance is not in the cards.   As I read through Canadian Running magazine every month I get enthused and energized with the articles about various destination marathons.  I think the time to get myself to the point of running a marathon won't be as far in the future as I think.   I do know that running at my 5 or 10K pace will need some serious adjustment to make that distance.  Maybe I need to focus on a few half marathons first!  :-)   In the same breath I don't want to make the shorter distances less meaningful.  Running a fast 5K for a marathon runner can be just as difficult as it would be for me to run the 42.2K.   Speed training for 5 and 10K events can be hard muscle aching runs.  They are a much more competitive distance as they appeal to many types of runners.   My age group is very competitive...I think women in my age group have time for themselves now as their children are becoming more independent and they're careers are more established.   They make time to run...just as I do amongst the busy-ness that life sets out in front of us and since this 'our' time we challenge ourselves.

Some people have noticed that I have moved away from showing horses in the last several years and I have spent my weekends running instead.  Yes...that's a fact.  I don't love one more than the other however I have gained alot of confidence from running that has shown me I control my running results and the judgement of another person controls my riding results.   Izzy has not been shown seriously since she was the highest scoring FEI 4 year Old Horse in Canada.   That was 4 years ago at this point.   We have shown some small shows but nothing that I would consider 'serious'.   I do plan to return to the show ring, however I want that return to be in the best interest of both my mental health and the confidence of my horse.   The humility and shear benevolence that Izzy was sent to teach me has changed my thoughts on how I want to move forward with training horses.  I still want to show but losing a piece of the horses spirit and beauty to get a manufactured movement that wins ribbons, doesn't resonate with me.   So time it will take and love will be cherished to reach a goal set out in a non mainstream way.   In the bigger picture of getting there; if it never happens I will have lost nothing in the process and harmed no living thing either.   To me that's worth more than ribbons and running has given me the confidence to step out of mainstream to do what my heart tells me is right.

So, If you where one of those people who asked me, Why do I run?    This is it...I run because I can.