Onward...

I think I am on the cusp of acceptance...or at least right now I am trying to tell myself this.  I know I need to move on and find gratitude in what good surrounds me.  I can't quite say that all the tears have dried but I know, no matter how broken my heart is to have one more ride...it won't bring her back.  I won't ever see her goofy smile.   I won't be dazzled by her wild mane and free spirit.   I won't be blessed by her kindness as she taught me life lessons.  It just won't ever be as it was because change is an indifferent warrior.

I have always thought that the serious changes in life happen over time; slowly.   That's just not true.   The big stuff happens in an instant.   It changes us and a new course is set, ready or not.

I water her tree faithfully every night.   Sometimes I rush through the task to get myself off that hill to stop myself from thinking about all that once was or could have been.   Sometimes I sit there in stillness, with tears seeping out as I will them not to fall.   

I haven't yet put all of her equipment away; cleaned the last bits of her sweat from the leather that was closest to her skin.   

I haven't yet found closure but maybe it's not part of my journey…

Tonight I walked through the trails on the farm with my dogs.   I have rarely walked the trails, as most of my time at the bush has been spent on a horse.   It felt funny.   I cried.   I lost my dogs…something that never happened on horseback.  I thought a lot about moving on and not looking back anymore.

I struggle deeply with the question why?  As I believe most people do when they experience trauma.  How this seemingly random act of unfathomably horrific juncture ties into my life story?   How can what just happened be part of my life learning?   What is the message I am expected to take from this to move on; make my life better; make me a better contributor to my family and society?

I am trying patiently to wait for the good in this to reveal itself.   In my heart, I know that she sacrificed for me; for my story to continue on; for me to learn.   In my heart I know that good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place.   So now I become still.   I breath.   I listen.  I wait for the message to reveal itself.  I move forward as best that I can.   Reminding myself that nothing is in vain that carried this much love.

Onward.....