RIP - Disney (Izzy) 20Apr2007 - 21Sep2015

I write this post with the heaviest of hearts.    The tears have not yet stopped.   My beloved Izzy past over to the other side last night from a fatal heart attack or aneurysm while I was riding her last evening.   It was the truest showing of her character, her bravery and willingness as she schooled politely and confidently right to her final steps.    When the moment of recognition struck me that this was the end; it immobilized me with fear.   Fear that I had not done all I could for her.   Fear that I had done something wrong.   Fear that her wings had come before my heart was ready to let her go.   Her passing was quick and immediate...within 5 minutes.   Which in the shattering of my heart felt like an eternity.  I quite literally wailed with raw emotion into her cheek, bent over her head so she did not transition alone.   

I read once that the dash on a headstone is really just the overlooked part in the chronology of a life.   But the dash is all that stuff in between the birth and death that meant the most.  It's the life that was lived and shared and learned.   It's all the places and people that life touches and all the love and forgiveness that happened on the journey.   The dash is what life is all about.
So I will honour the dash this little horse gave in her short years of life.   Honour it for what she taught me because in the big scheme of the universe, she taught me far more than I her.   

Mostly she taught me that life happens now, in the present moment and with no judgement about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow.  It's the now that counts and it's the now that we have control over.   She was a now horse!   She was a goofy, confident and brave horse.   So different from any other horses I had before her.   She taught me about not taking life or situations all too seriously.   She taught me that dressage isn't just serious schooling of figures and maneuvers.   But it was about making any horse a better horse through training in a loving and compassionate way.   That making beautiful maneuvers required a mentally connected horse for harmony because a horse's body always follows its mind.   Because that is how horses have survived for centuries...in the moment.

She taught me humility and forgiveness.   She was that crazy 3 year old that bucked me off at her mare inspection as the crowd of spectators gasped.   She made sure her voice was always heard and that I understood that she was to be always fairly negotiated with and could not be bought.   This taught me a great deal of respect for her and for all horses that come after her.   She taught me that these creatures we love and bring into our lives let us learn and make mistakes and they forgive us and they continue to forgive us even when our learning is slow and sometimes treacherous.    These benevolent beast try their hearts out to figure out our language without words and they do it with outstanding success.  
In the learning of social humility, she taught me about sometimes being gentle with myself as well.   That saying I am sorry to myself for the gaps I have created yet recognize are just as important as a heart felt I'm sorry to a loved one.   She taught me that how I make her feel is how she learns and remembers...making that a positive exchange, were creating a bond as a fair, concise leader was a good deal and such an important factor in training horses.   That positive, fair exchange is a life lesson to be taken everywhere.    In all the difficult or joyous situations in my life, I remember not the words people said but how I felt about the exchange.   This is big...as she had no words and I none for her, other than the energy we exchanged.  

So in keeping with how the dash makes up the whole life and all that living in between the start and end date...We shared a lot in 5 years together.   We seen marks for an all time high of my riding career of 80.9% in the FEI 4 Year Old Division.   Earning her the highest scoring 4 year old horse in Canada that year.  We seen many miles of trails, many perfect and not so perfect circles.   Together we came from that scrawny little 15.1hh 3 year old with the wild forelock to a powerful, athletic and developed 16hh young horse.   We met some amazing people on our journey, who guided us or provide support or just made us their friends.   We played with horsemanship to strengthen our relationship and discover our energy.   We jumped logs and even real jumps!   We tried aside and rode bareback.  We shared amazing sunrises and sunsets.   We shared in the beauty of the fields showing their first hint of green in the spring and the wonder of riding the trails in the winter under a full moon.   We made it a goal to not take ourselves to seriously and she lead that full on by example.  

Izzy knew my secrets; I braided her mane with tears and whispered my dreams in her ears. She made the barn a sanctuary in such a hectic and unsettled world; a sheltered place were the priorities of life are clear: a warm place to sleep, someone who loves you and the luxury of square meals. Those are good reminders for us all.

In stepping back this is what she has taught me but it isn't really much about horses - It's about love, life and learning.  I mark this loss with gratitude for how she blessed my life in so many ways. We share memories of joy, awe and wonder. An absolute union. I honour you Izzy for your brave heart, courage and willingness. 

May your wings make you free...even tho I wasn't ready to set you free. Love you girl...you're a special little horse...I will carry the essence of your spirit with me. Thank you for making me a better human.
Peace and Lovexo

Here she rests under a beautiful orange glow sugar maple, planted so she will forever provide shelter to those who come next.

Why Do I Run?

Running has become a large part of me in the last several years.  

I have had people tell me I am crazy.   I have had people tell me I am going to ruin my knees.  I have had people say, "I thought the doctor told you not to run?".    I have had people tell me they are not runners...and the only way they would run would be if a clown with a knife was chasing them!   I've had people ask me, 'Why do you run?'

The long and the short of the running gig for me is that it provides me with physical and mental balance in my life.

Running is a from of meditation to me.   It's just my feet, my heart beat and the open road (trail).   It's freedom from my phone, the stress of my day and the to do list I have that never seems to get shorter.   Running lets me be outdoors; to breath the fresh air, to feel the sun and the wind and at times the heat of the day or the cold that freezes your nostrils.  I love the outdoors.  The outdoors is a vital part of what defines me as a person.    

Running lets me replay my day or forget my day.   It lets me get lost in my playlist.  It lets me cry tears of joy and tears of sorrow as the memories of events pass through my thoughts as my feet continue to move me forward in time and space.   Running lets me clear my head and find a space I can relax in and just be.  

Don't get me wrong...running isn't always easy or fun.  I have a love hate relationship at times with running.  There are days when it takes ever human molecule in my body to not talk myself out of running that day.   The reservers of willpower do not overflow from me!   Anyone who knows my relationship with bacon and desserts knows this is certain!   Some days it's a gargantuan effort to just force my feet into my running shoes and not take an easier route to sooth my aliments with a big slice of cake.   But on the days that I win over my fraying willpower are the days I am most satisfied by running even a slow 5K.   Because on those days I won against my will power; instead of my mental torment beating me..I won.   Those are the days that endorphins change my mental health and lead me to a better place than before I ran.

The benefits of running are easy to find if you do a google search on the net.   I had typed in 'Benefits of Running" and had 510 million hits!!!   So I don't need to go through the details here other than sharing my person gains.  I have now been running for just over 3 years.   I ran track in school as a sprinter.   I ran when I worked in Toronto and found the Humber Valley trail my favourite spot until the news reported the Humber Valley rapist.  Yep I was running that trail at night, alone when the women were being sexually assaulted at knife point.   After I heard that news, I stopped running because I had to run at night, alone and lets face it I was scared.   Now, I run mostly alone but I live in a safer place than the streets of Toronto and DH forbids me to run at night on the trail.  

So how has running benefited me?   If you're a runner you will already know...its the transformation in confidence that you feel as you begin to run and improve and become stronger, fitter and mentally fresher.   It's the 20 lbs I have lost...even tho I have gained 5 back.  (well sometimes 3 sometimes 5, depending on the day!) :-)   It's the belief I have gained in my ability to do something I always had told myself I wasn't able to do.   I was a sprinter.  I didn't run distances!   When I was able to finally run my very first 5K without a walk interval I beamed.  I believed in me.   I believed that I was worth every drop of sweat and every aching muscle.   I realized that success was finishing.   Not finishing in an elite athlete time but quite simply, finishing.   I realized in that moment that running can be as driven or as relaxed as the individuals that run.  I ran my first 5K with a long time friend, Lynn at the famous Around the Bay Road Race.  She believed in me when I wasn't a runner...because as a runner, she already knew the benefits.    She knew that being fast wasn't as important as crossing the line in a PB time.  She knew that runners come in all shapes, sizes and walks of life.  They all have their own stories and their own reasons they run and that everyone that runs, does it for their own personal reasons.

Since that first Around the Bay race, I have finished many races.   At this point I can't tell for sure how many but quite a few.   Some races are for the joy of running and seeing the scenery.  Races allow you to be part of something bigger; the energy that races have at the pre-start are unmistakably contagious!   As my racing has progressed over the years I raced always to just simply finish.   That was my success and at times that is still my success.   I have since ran more miles and more races and have started to challenge myself for PB's.   Yet some races are not suited for racing fast, some are still to be ran to finish.  Sometimes training plans get derailed, injuries prevail and simply finishing is still a success because crossing the line with an important person means more than a fast time.   I have learned to listen to my body and run my best race on that day.  Like every woman, we have days in our cycles that drag us down.   So, as I set out on a run I decide to listen to what my body says and take my run in that direction.   Somedays are more suited to along endurance runs and some days are more suited to a fast race pace run.    I don't follow any conventional training plan and at times I think my running will eventually take that direction to further test my running capability.

The other question that I get asked is, "Have you ran a marathon?"    The answer is not yet!  I have run a half and that's far!   I have focused my efforts on middle distance running including 5-12K runs.   This seems to be a good distance for my work and life balance at this point.  Do I want to run a marathon?   You bet I do.   Right now the training required to get my body and mind into condition to run that distance is not in the cards.   As I read through Canadian Running magazine every month I get enthused and energized with the articles about various destination marathons.  I think the time to get myself to the point of running a marathon won't be as far in the future as I think.   I do know that running at my 5 or 10K pace will need some serious adjustment to make that distance.  Maybe I need to focus on a few half marathons first!  :-)   In the same breath I don't want to make the shorter distances less meaningful.  Running a fast 5K for a marathon runner can be just as difficult as it would be for me to run the 42.2K.   Speed training for 5 and 10K events can be hard muscle aching runs.  They are a much more competitive distance as they appeal to many types of runners.   My age group is very competitive...I think women in my age group have time for themselves now as their children are becoming more independent and they're careers are more established.   They make time to run...just as I do amongst the busy-ness that life sets out in front of us and since this 'our' time we challenge ourselves.

Some people have noticed that I have moved away from showing horses in the last several years and I have spent my weekends running instead.  Yes...that's a fact.  I don't love one more than the other however I have gained alot of confidence from running that has shown me I control my running results and the judgement of another person controls my riding results.   Izzy has not been shown seriously since she was the highest scoring FEI 4 year Old Horse in Canada.   That was 4 years ago at this point.   We have shown some small shows but nothing that I would consider 'serious'.   I do plan to return to the show ring, however I want that return to be in the best interest of both my mental health and the confidence of my horse.   The humility and shear benevolence that Izzy was sent to teach me has changed my thoughts on how I want to move forward with training horses.  I still want to show but losing a piece of the horses spirit and beauty to get a manufactured movement that wins ribbons, doesn't resonate with me.   So time it will take and love will be cherished to reach a goal set out in a non mainstream way.   In the bigger picture of getting there; if it never happens I will have lost nothing in the process and harmed no living thing either.   To me that's worth more than ribbons and running has given me the confidence to step out of mainstream to do what my heart tells me is right.

So, If you where one of those people who asked me, Why do I run?    This is it...I run because I can.

Back to Running, Stuart's Legs and SKYDIVING!

Running
Running is back in full swing after a short summer hiatus.  

Theresa and I got back in to race mode after the heat of July at the Burlington Feeling Groovy 5K at Spencer Smith Park.   Lovely waterfront trail run.  We both took it easy running a good break in pace with both of us over coming some recent injuries and stiffnesses.   With an easy first 4K and a stronger finish I was still 57/227 overall and 18/147 for females. 

Here we are at the finish. 

Last weekend, I ran the Run Against Crime from Simcoe to Port Dover along the Lynn Valley Trail.   This 10K trail run is the first year for this race and it was a fantastic run on one of the most beautiful trails in our area.  I placed 7th overall from ~80 runners…in a great time of 48:46.

Theresa and I at the finish with our ice-cream and then we enjoyed breakfast at one of my favourite places in Dover...The Crepe House.

In a previous post I mentioned that the gym was being moved from the 3 seasons room to the 4th bedroom upstairs.   Since the 3 season room is too cold to use in the dead of winter; the exact time I want to use the treadmill, it made sense to move the equipment to a room that will be suitable when the weather turns cold again. 

Here's the layout of the new gym.   The footprint is smaller so I had to edit out some equipment and just keep my favourite pieces.

I also added a place to hang my medals and bibs from races.   They make for great motivation and also provide good memories of races gone by.  :-)

Stuart's legs...

Stewy is coming along wonderfully now after a small regression from his original treatment.

He had to be splinted for several days; since he had started to grow again.   It looks like the splints at this point have significantly improved the straightness of his front legs.  This translates into a VERY happy mama!

Here is by baby boy with his legs splinted and a couple with his new straighter legs and mom.

Izzy Update

Izzy has been schooling like a seasoned veteran.   She is gaining confidence and strength and her ability to keep her shoulders up and hind quarters under and engaged is getting better and better.   The other day I was feeling grateful for the progress she's made and I remembered the time many years ago when she couldn't do a walk to canter transition.   Now those seem easy and all the finesse work is slowly starting to get confirmed and feel more natural and effortless.   I tend to be a sissy in the heat and don't really ride too much when the heat and humidity exceed my human capacity for insanity.   Izzy has had more time off than I'd care to give but I also know my tolerance level to heat and she seems to share that threshold as she stands in the shelter sweating when the heat waves were in their peak.

She did enjoy a check up from the equine Chiro since last post.  No significant issues that need further follow up, so I feel very good about her training and the fact that she is feeling even and pain free. 

Here she is getting treated.

Harvest

The oats in the back 40 have been harvested and we now get to enjoy hacking through the new up and coming hay field for 2016.

The straw has since been baled and the field provides fantastic hill training for Izzy!

The old apple tree along the north fence line is loaded full!    Since Fletcher's apple farm is not yet open for the season...DH and I made our own harvest!   Happy horses with fresh fruit in their bowls every night!

The first batch of spaghetti sauce is now in jars cooling from the first tomato harvest in the garden.   It simmered all afternoon on the BBQ and made one heck of a mess!    Glad it was outside!   

The gourds that have grown up the garden fence are also reaching a considerable size!

Skydiving

My niece Bella graduated from High School this year and she will be heading off to college this fall.   As part of the transition to this new phase in her life, I like to celebrate these occasions with an adventure.   And an adventure it was!!   We went skydiving at the Niagara Skydiving School.   We both made tandem jumps with a tandem master and got the experience of a minute of free fall and the powerful jerk and pull of a shoot deployment.   We jumped out of a perfectly good aircraft at 13,000 feet, free fell to 4,500 feet and then the shoot was pulled and we glided to the ground for a rough and fast landing on the very calm, clear day we had.   It was quite a rush and one that certainly has your inner ear a tad out of balance when the tandem master swings you and spins you at 4,000 feet!   Thanks Bella for being part of one of my bucket list check marks...a day I will never forget!  xo

Here we are pre jump!

Our plane

Flying

The landings

We lived to tell the tale!   Yes, Papa Bear we lived!

Papa Bear

Dad made a visit to the farm this weekend to help with the regular work around the yard for the first time since his accident.  He's doing fantastic and the scars are starting to thicken slightly so that he has less chance of injury from just a small rub from anything on the sores.  It is amazing how tender the thin layers of new skin are.   It was great to see him at his regular pace and of course he didn't stop the entire day cutting grass!   We even had a good laugh that it was the hardest days work he's put in for over a month and he wasn't used to no relaxing time in his chair watching TV in the heat of the afternoon!  LOL...

Front Patio

DH and I got the first layer of armour stones placed for the front patio and tiered garden that is going to be at the front of the house.   

Now that Papa Bear is feeling better I will put him back to work on the backhoe digging the second layer so the next group of stones can be placed.

Finding Beauty

…in the small things.  The spider webs along the fence and gates on a dew filled sunrise.

Family Reunions, Stewy's Tendons, As the Garden Grows, Finding Myself...

Lots of news from the farm.  

Family has been the dominating life force these last several weeks.   All kinds of family.

Starting with 2 family reunions.

First the Dunbar Reunion...

Then the Burwell Reunion...As you can see it was a chilly Aug day.   Summer in Ontario...You just never know the weather.

                                      

Me with my 2 beautiful nieces!

The Grill Masters

The kiddies

Auntie and Dad

Laura (+1) and Mom

Uncles

Dad has been released from the hospital and is recovering really well at home on outpatient care.   Good to see him up and mobile again and socializing with all the relatives at the family reunion.  :-)

The garden has been growing like mad.   The heat turned up in the last 2 weeks and the plants took off!   The gourds and squash are somewhat out of control.  Tomatoes are a slight jungle.   The rogue sunflowers are blooming and beautiful...much to DH's dismay!

 

The first harvest of tomatoes.

Bottle gourds are hanging on the garden fence.

My Baby Stewy was able to avoid surgery so far!  Hurray!   He did require drug therapy and splinting to help stretch and support his tendons.  Fingers crossed that this procedure corrects his legs.   I am feeling hopeful. He's been such a little clown with is big clumsy wrapped legs, cavorting and cajoling on his play time from stall rest!

Had a chance over the last few weeks to recover from a bruised arch which put a significant damper on my running.   I am back running regular again now that the heat wave has also passed.   I planned no running races in July, thinking it could be hot and life would possibly be busy with Baby Stewy arriving.   I'll be back racing this coming weekend with a 5K.  During that heat wave and down time I spent a nice evening out on the Grand for a paddle.

I had a couple of days off work in the last few weeks so I enjoyed a couple longer runs.  One was to Dover for breakfast at the Crepe House.   Just love that place for both savory and sweet crepes.   The other was River Rd to Cayuga.   Not as hilly as Jerseyville Rd in Ancaster but some long slow hills and a good steep one as you make your way into Cayuga.   Kicked my butt good on that hill!

The route to Dover on the left and hill therapy on the right.

 

Molly also had the displeasure of wearing the cone of shame for a week as she got a hot spot on her tail that she just found irresistible.  I received more than a few scratches from that cone ramming into the backs of my legs as she tried to pass without giving her head a wide enough berth. 

 

A new horse has arrived on the farm and she has settled in and is a lovely fit.   Lilli is a pleasant and well-mannered mare that both DH and I have found wonderful to handle and care for.  

DH and I spent some time revamping the outdoor riding ring.  To make the ring more secure for riders, we have now placed 2 board fencing around the perimeter.   This will also make it less inviting for any little monster to escape when in pasture #6!

 

I also wanted to give mention to this beautiful orchid that still blooms in my bathroom.   I think I first reported it was starting to bloom in my post back in April.   It’s still in full glory and still beautiful.

 

I found beauty in some unexpected places lately too.   Like this standalone sunflower that is growing beside the dirt piles for the pasture shelter at the back fence line. 

 

And this heart that Izzy left me after she scratched herself with her nose.

 

Now…a bit from the insides…

We humans have an interesting way of remembering our wholeness, our gifts, our power.   We remember by experiencing who we are not.   By stumbling, by falling, by making mistakes that we are meant to learn from.   Ironically, the universe also keeps presenting these same opportunities in greater magnitude to us, if we didn’t get the lesson on the first, or 5^th or 50^th go around!

Sometimes the universe sends us people and events to test us.    Not to show us our weaknesses but to show us our strengths.

I am finding my strength…and no…it’s not my first go around!   The universe knows me well, as a stubborn and strong willed learner!   I think all of us go through times that test us.  Times that teach us the stuff we are made of and the stuff that we know we need to let go of to let us grow and evolve into our better selves.   These times generally fill us with self-doubt, heartache and sorrow.   We realize that grief never ends; but it changes.   We begin to understand this is a passage in time and not a place to stay.   Sometimes we get lost.   Lost from the things that grounded us or the people that fed us the positive energy that helped nourish us.    There can be beauty in getting lost.   Sometimes we have to get lost to find ourselves.   Sometimes we have to get lost to find each other.   We can’t always control what the universe sends to us.   We don’t always know what will set us adrift.   We just have to trust that the universe has a plan for us.   

Then one day, slowly we wake up to the vibrations of the universe that will help us navigate through the changes that these people and events bring to us.   We have to be still; breathe in the moment and try and be open to whatever the wind is sending our way.    We acknowledge that trauma always leaves a scar.   We reconcile the pain and the fear.  We emerge more powerful, more enlightened and enriched with inner courage.  We find peace in the anger and forgiveness in the bitterness.   We eventually emerge into gratitude with the knowledge that we have to sometimes get a little messed up to step up.   

I am...finding my strength….