"At The Barn"

I read an article not too long ago about what it means when farmers use the phrase "at the barn".    It inspired me to also write my piece on that very topic.

Much of my life has been spent "at the barn".   I grew up on a farm and have had a horse since I was 7 years old.   Being "at the barn" also meant I wasn't just caring for horses but also goats, the odd pig, chickens and sometimes a cow or 2.   I consider myself a lifer when it comes to using the phrase "at the barn".   This will always be part of my vocabulary.   The people closest to me will know exactly where I am when I say it and they will know precisely the joy it provides.   

"At the barn" means I know how to drive a tractor, use a pitch fork and run a wheelbarrow.   I know how to use sundry hand tools, fix fences and tie knots.   It means I can wrestle bales of hay, carry multiple water buckets and slug bags of feed over my shoulder.   "At the barn" also means I can tend to an injury, handle an emergency and always be awed by the miracle of a new life.  It means an entire world of responsibility outside of my day job and the house that I keep.   It's animals that depend on me, my work ethic and dedication to their well being.    It says I can work in the heat and bundle up against the cold with minimal complaint.   "At the barn" is an investment of long hours, early hours, late hours for the well being of creatures that feed my soul.    "At the barn" often means animals I love demand my attention before the sun comes up or long after it has gone down.   Regardless of how tough life gets or how hard circumstances become, there is always a refuge "at the barn".  A place where there's a warm breath on your ear, soft munching of hay or the smell of fresh shavings. It's a sense of peace, stability and connection to simplicity.   A warm bed, food to eat and someone who loves you.

There are days that "at the barn" can also be a curse.   "At the barn" is a priority that can never be overlooked.   Living, breathing creatures await our arrival.   The world at the barn just doesn't stop when you are sick, or lazy, or tired.   There is no vacation from "at the barn".   No work stoppage because the calendar says it's a holiday or Christmas or your birthday.   Animals can't be placed in a closet for later; they depend on us.   Anyone who lives and knows the phrase "at the barn" knows that it's an irrevocable part of our identity.  It's in our blood.  Part of our DNA.  A piece of our identity.    "At the barn" even tho it means we give up sleep, miss time at the lake or don't go on extravagant vacations...It's OK.   I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have learned the value of "at the barn".   I have experienced the small moments of breathtaking simplicity.   The magic of love from creatures in harmony with nature.   The only thing to fear for people like me, is when I can no longer use the phrase I am "at the barn".

Blogging Hiatus Comes to A Close

I have been on a small hiatus from the blog since before Christmas.  I needed a bit of time to regroup and get through Christmas.   It's been a rough couple months and within this period there was another loss on the farm.  The stray cat that found us at the old farm and made the transition to HP Haven moved on to the other side.   Kitty was a lively part of the family.   She started her days as a barn cat but quickly transitioned to an indoor / outdoor cat.   Kitty was a prolific hunter and was 8 pounds of raw tiger.   She owned her space.   If there is one thing I learned from Kitty...it was how to own your energy and project it.   She demanded a wide breath from 65 lbs Goldens and they more than willing to give it to her.   She could hold ground by sitting still and you could see the confidence she projected.   There's something really special about an animal that finds you and stays rather than you finding it.    This makes her passing have a unique feel to the loss.   It's loosing something that let you love it and knowing it loved you too...because it stayed.   

May there be good hunting Kitty....that was your first love.

I missed the entire Christmas and holiday season for updates.  It was an extremely busy time here on the farm.   DH and I hosted an awesome Christmas open house with over 50 people attending to celebrate the start of the Christmas season.   We went through an abundance of libation and food...and it was so great to see so many people.   The weather certainly cooperated and all the good cheer was just what my mojo needed to get the season started.

Mom worked her magic again this year adorning the property with beautiful pots of greenery.   It's such a treat to come home and see beautiful things that were created with love as you enter.  My mom made a special addition for me this year...she made these amazing horse head wreaths for the front gates.   Mom...you are the best ever.   Love you!

Christmas came up so fast afterwards.   We hosted family Christmas at the farm as we have done since we moved here.   It was a lovely dinner with all my closest family.  AND a special thanks to my friend Terry for the beautiful new table runner that adorned my table for Christmas dinner.  :-)

These beautiful flowers decorated the house over the holiday season.   With the loss of Wanda at the start of Dec, my very close group of art friends sent this beautiful bouquet with a deeply heartfelt poem.   Thank you Donna for the special touch.    Ladies, I am so grateful to have you in my group of friends.  xo.   

These roses were a surprise from work.  Someone I work with left them in my office on a shutdown night with a note on my white board telling me 'Merry Christmas and Sorry for the loss of my 2 family members'.  Curiously, no one is owing up to them but on that long night and right before Christmas, it was a lovely gesture and thank you co-worker(s) for keeping me in your hearts and thoughts in this touching way. 

The new year was rang in with a resolution run in Hamilton with friends Theresa and Melissa.   Got the year started on the right foot running wise and then DH and I had a bonfire together with the fur kids.

Speaking of resolutions which many make in the new year...I again this year, opt to not make resolutions but have a word that I try to live by throughout the year.   This word is used to focus or refocus my energy and direction throughout the year to try and live more authentically and with my whole heart.   

This year I am choosing the word Courage.

Courage is defined as the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation.   I want to embody the mental and spiritual aspect of courage through out this year to unify conscience, fear and action; to mobilize me from within.   

I want to fight the demons inside.   It's a fact; we all have them.   I'm not special in this respect.   One day, we all have to face them and I guess this is my reckoning year.

I want to have the courage to say no.   I want the courage to change.    Accept change and make changes.   The courage to face what is right and the courage to take risks.   I want to have the courage to bare defeat without losing heart.   I want to have the courage to stand up and shout but also the courage to sit down and listen.   But most of all, I want the courage to let go.   To let go of the people and the situations that are no longer serving me.  To do this with no regret.   To take what it offered and just let the rest go.   To let go of what is holding me back and what may never be.   I want to have the courage to tackle the things I am most afraid of losing.   So I can let go...knowing the risk of loss and once and for all, be free.   

So...In short, as life starts to take the wind out of my sails...I will stop.    I will breath.    I will think "Let it Go".   In some cases it my be more appropriate to say "Fuck it!" and I will choose that instead.   

Because I have a beating heart, there is no way to get away from the challenges of life or facing adversity in life.   

This year I will embody courage.   

To heal.   

To change.   

To act.   

To grow.

Running has started for 2016 with the Robbie Burns 8K in Burlington.    I have plans to run the full 30K Around The Bay (ATB) this year.  That race is on my running bucket list and the 2 guys I work with that I ran the relay with last year are going to run the full race too.  In order to stay motivated I have signed up for races early in the season this year and I have joined a running crew for ATB training.    I finished the Robbie Burns in 40:04 which was good enough for a Bronze Ontario Masters Athletics placing in my age group!

A blog post without Stewy after this long wouldn't be right.  :-)   

Stuart is now officially part of the Hanoverian breed.   He has been accepted for registration and has been branded.   He wasn't perfectly still during this somewhat archaic branding process so the H of his brand is a bit smudged.   Either way he is official and I await his registration papers from Germany in the coming months.

I think he has grown just a little too!

I have been fortunate to have been riding this lovely guy for the last month or more a couple days a week.   Thank you from the bottom of my heart Lynda for sharing your beautiful boy with me as I transition through this difficult time with no riding horse of my own.   For the first time in over 20+ years I find myself with no riding horse.   It's certainly created a significant hole in my life that has proven to be more difficult than I imagined to fill.   Catching a ride on this guy has been a step in the healing process. 

The Only Constant in Life

With the losses of the past months I have realized that nothing is forever.  NOTHING!   The universe continues on its path of the sun setting if it was a happy day or dreadful day.  That sun it still goes down and it still comes back up the next day.   Because that day is gone and it's not meant to be forever.   Even when we want something real bad or think we need it to survive...we don't.   We can get on with a lot less than we had before.   We can make do.   We can make a new normal.   These thoughts of forever make me question the sheer logic of humans and why we would ever think things are forever...when the only constant in life is change.

What I have come to realize is that I no longer expect the pain to eventually stop.   I no longer expect that one day I will wake up and find myself not longing for one more ride or one more peek at the copper coat in the sunshine.   I now believe that the pain will just get dull.   It's like any trauma...it leaves a scar.   The wound will heal but the scar will always be there.    Sometimes it will be visible and sometimes it will be cloaked.    But the scar remains.  The scar manifests change.   I guess my hope is that the pain just turns to an ache.  That the knowledge will turn to wisdom.   That the memories that now bring tears will eventually bring a small smile.    The scar will be constant.   A reminder of not only the pain; but eventually the relationship.

 

I used to think I wanted closure.    How has this become part of my story?     Why is this new scar part of my journey?   What purpose is this serving me to grow?  I no longer believe that closure is an appropriate concept.   It implies an ending or finishing to the relationship.   But in reality, it lives on.   Through my heart; with stories and memories.   This relationship has simply changed.   Now I hope for understanding.   To help me through to lightness.   To guide me on the next part of my journey.  To no longer test my strength but help open the realm of understanding for me to move into the next phase.  To align me with where I am supposed go.   To help me be open to forgive and again share gratitude.   To show me how to embrace change.

I have been given feedback that my blog has been 'deep' or even 'dark' the last while.   Yes.  Yes, it has!   Lets face it folks, death is both deep and dark when you are on the loss side of it.   I have consciously decided to through down my invisibility cloak.   I have decided that at 40+ it's ok to be who I am and let others see sides of me that have been heavily guarded or not particularly pretty.   Because I think these two horses have given me powerful authenticity.   

Stories don't always have happy endings.   Love is sometimes tragic.   Brave sometimes means being brave enough to break your own heart.  And being in a place of stillness to find understanding isn't always comfortable.   But my hope is that I will look back on this moment in time as a sweet time of grieving.   I will acknowledge that I was mourning.  My heart was broken...but my life was changing.

RIP - Wanda 19 Jan 2004 - 1 Dec 2015

Wanda, the big mama of the farm, has made her way to find Izzy.   She battled so strong and so hard against what we thought was chronic gas colic since she foaled Stewy.  She lost weight.   I fed her more.    She coliced.   I called the vets.   She coliced again and again from Sept to Nov.   I had Drs Tom and Cassie on speed dial.   We made her comfortable through chemistry as the bouts became more frequent and their duration lengthened.   After battling for 3 days with down and out moments and brighter perky moment, I finally made the call that this can't possibly be gas.   On Nov 28th we loaded her into the trailer and delivered her to the University of Guelph for full diagnostics and treatment.   It was discovered she was in liver failure and had many complications which are yet to be hopefully explained through autopsy.

For days we suffered through the agony of waiting for the news from the team of highly experienced veterinarians that were working on her case.   They would call with news that she was the same or maybe slightly improved.   They would call with news that she was moved to isolation and was presenting new signs.   They would call with news that her blood work had come back again or such and such test was completed or that they were regrouping to try and brainstorm for new root causes.   She was a unique case.   One that baffled the top doctors at the university.

The waiting can kill you.   The not knowing.   The wondering if you are doing the right thing.   You make a decision and then you wait for the universe to have its turn to give you an answer.  It feels like the consequences unfold out of your hands.   There are so many untamed and miserable thoughts that  seem so clear, yet unclear when you are in those quiet moments waiting.   The most prevalent being that, you chose wrong.   Being a custodian of another life is no small responsibility.   It puts you in a position to decide.   To chose.   To live with the decision you make; forever.

Life is always better than dying...until it's not.  Even if letting a horse die is the right thing to do; it's not what owners are built for.   I don't like to lose and death feels like the ultimate loss...even when it's not.   She let us know it was time after nearly a week.   In my naive arrogance I believed she would have colic surgery.  She would need after care.   She would return home and see Stewy grow up to be a champion.  Isn't that what the fairy tales read like?   But this story doesn't have a happy ending.   This story is the reality of being a farmer, a horse owner, a human.   This story is about all horses and all horse owners at some point in their journey together.   Horses are one of the strongest, most benevolent creatures that God has graced us with taming.   Yet they are so incredibly fragile.   But if we listen really close and we open our hearts; shed our egos, we get a connection to these creatures that defies magic.    We can ask this deep question of life choice and we can know it's right.  Wanda gave us her blessing to help her cross over.   To end her suffering.   She expressed that her purpose here was served and that she was ready.  We can know that we did everything we could even when it's hard to shake that feeling that you could have done more.   

I honour her for giving me 2 of the most precious gifts she could have given me.  She gave me 2 additional lives; that have enriched my life beyond gratitude.   She gave me her 2 best creations and for that I will always be grateful to her.

Wanda was a fiery red head.   She had an opinion and she was clearly a mare that you asked; not told and could not be bought.  It was the part of her character that made her a wonderful mama.    She was affectionately known as "Chubbers"!   Food was her #1 motivator!    She was a curvy girl and her solid big bone was the foundation of some of the best breeding stock.   She was our foundation mare at the farm.  The foundation of our little herd.   Her cheerful whinny and brilliant copper penny shine will be truly missed.   

Run free you stoic girl...find Izzy.

Retirement, New Shelter, Running Season Ends for 2015

Retirement...the place that so many seek as a destination on their journey in this life.   Some can't wait to get there.   Some don't ever want to get there.   Some think it's just so far fetched.  Other can't believe their reality when it happens.   

I had the pleasure this past week of seeing two very wonderful guys off on their next step in life.   I got to witness the ups and downs leading up to their last day.  The thoughts about this being the last day with the guys that they have spent most of their adult lives with for more time in a waking day than their wives and families.    The thoughts of not having to get up at 5AM and the thoughts of still waking up at 5AM because you have for so long.   I could see the mixed emotions as the days drew to an end.   I could see the sheer joy of taking the next step the night I got to send them off with the rest of my co-workers on this exciting next phase.   

I personally have many years left before eligibility for retirement.   I'm looking forward to those days like I believe most of us working stiffs do.  However I am not rushing the process of getting there because I know at the point when I reach that next phase...my life will be closer to the end than the start.   And in reality...I don't want to wish away my life.   I know that life is today.  Today is to be lived before tomorrow comes.  

Congrats to both Mark and Paul...As a new coach having both of you in the crew with your 70+ years experience I was taken care of.  I know what you both did for me and I appreciate that in the most sincere way.   I know my next months adjusting to not having your support as Team Leader and Welder Specialist will be a challenge.  You will leave a big gap in my daily level of ease; I realized all the little things you both did to keep 'our' line running.   Thank you and congrats on your much deserved retirement.

Here we are at the office coffee and Carrot Cake...Mark embarrassed me with a big hug that I was totally not expecting.  Pretty rare for these guys to get me too!  We sure do have a lot of fun at a place called "work"!

And then at the night of farewell drinks.  Wish I could have stayed longer…I hear it was a pretty fun party after I left!  :-)

Funny...I left a retirement party early to join a group of women I ride with who are all mostly retired!!   Most of them on early retirement but damn you girls make me envious of the riding in mid afternoon and drinking wine all night with a text to a DD (AKA, significant other) for a ride home!   I really should have planned better that night!   Here is Andrea, Sharon and I out for a sunny afternoon hack a few weeks ago when I played hookie for the afternoon and lived the pretend "horse wife" retired life!  PS - Special thanks to Andrea for loaning me her wonderful and reliable Arty.  :-)  I was the only one that afternoon who didn't have to sit through a single spook!

The cowgirl cadillac was put to good use restocking shelters with feed.   I can get a full feed and hay supply for one shelter in one trip.

The second round of stacking wood has got underway.

Start

Finish

A month ago I had an incident with Stewy and Wanda both thinking they could fit through one open door on the barn at the same time.   Wanda is no skinny chicken...so when Stewy charged his way in beside her mid barrel...something had to give.   It turned out to be the window in the barn door!   Lesson learned!  Stewy is no longer allowed to be free from pasture to barn.  He is haltered and lead just like mama.

Smashed! **Special thanks to Anbi for helping with clean up!   What a bloody mess.

Temporarily Repaired

Now Fixed Again

The new 3 horse shelter in Pasture #1 is taking shape.   The initial plan is to make this the turnout field for Stewy (when he's weaned) and our 2 boarders.    

Rafters are up.

Walls are going up.

Running season has come to an end for this year.  Theresa and I finished off our season with the Hamilton 5K Santa Run at Pier 4.   It was a warm, sunny day and WAY too hot to be running 5K in a Santa suit!  Despite the heat it turned out to be a great end to the 2015 season for both Theresa and I.   I won the Female Masters Division and was 5th place over female.   Feeling pretty happy with this season and this finish; as all the female finishers ahead of me were 24 and under!   Theresa had a great strong finish as well ending up first in her age group.   We both scored really fun medals for being race division winners!   Training now starts for the 30K Around the Bay and a prep 1/2 marathon before the Bay race.  :-)

Winning the Female masters division

Theresa and I close out 2015 with 2 division wins!

Getting a Leg Up, Running PB, Girls Weekend and Sundry News from the Farm

It's been awhile since I posted about life on the farm that doesn't involve the loss of Izzy.   I won't promise those moments of loss won't still find their way here.   I know that over the last 6 weeks I have had seemingly innocent, nothing moments bring me right back to that evening in the sand ring.   The latest being a trip to the grocery store.  I know, how crazy can a trip to the grocery store get?   I wandered past the reduced to clear fruit rack and thought, "Oh, I'll get those bananas for Izzy."   That was a frequent occurrence, as she loved bananas.   How the mind can play such harsh and malicious tricks on us when we think we are journeying into a new realm.

I took a week of vacation in October.  Fall is my favourite time of year.  I have always loved to ride in the cool, sunny days and venture through the woods with the smell of leaves underfoot.    On vacation I surrounded myself with the love of horsewomen.  I ventured to the Josh Nichol clinic that I was supposed to be attending with Izzy.  As difficult as it was to go to the clinic and sit in a place of longing for what was supposed to be and what was an opportunity missed; I needed the support of these wonderful friends to help me along this pilgrimage.   Everyone has been asking if I am getting a new horse, if I have ridden and in general, what my plans now are for the future.   I am still lost in my thoughts over the future.   I know the universe will give me the answers I need when I am open enough and ready to receive them.   However, on Oct 22nd, it was a beautiful sunny fall day.   It was time for me to remember why I ride horses in the first place.    I saddled Emma and thru my leg over a horse for the first time since I came off a horse in the worst of ways.   When something you loves with such connection dies beneath you and you can feel that through to your core...it changes you.  Throwing a leg over a horse was not something in my mind I could take lightly.    I felt so many things that sunny afternoon...but the thing that stuck with me as a walked with the sun on my face towards the woods from the back of the barn was the words from a dear friend.   Words that I knew in my hurting heart but needed to hear with the love they were expressed with.   Her words were, "The hurt came from the back of a horse but the healing will come from there too."    Thank you my friend...

Running

There has been a great deal of running in the last 6 weeks.   I had a PB on a 5K race.  Chip time of 22:49 and Second overall finisher.

Run to the Fair in Dorchester for another great finish.   Second in the female masters division.

Ran the stairs and the escarpment trail several times during my lunch.

Road2Hope 10k at the Hamilton waterfront.   Not a stellar fast race for me with a back of the pack start position but still managed a second place finish in my age group.   Love this trail as it's a staple running spot on my lunches.

This fall has been an exceptional race season with running partner Theresa.   So lucky to have her as part of my running journey.  To have shared so many races together gives me such wonderful memories.  Thank you Theresa for being on this fitness and racing journey together...xo.

Girls Weekend

I am so fortunate to still be close friends with 6 women I went to high school with.   Four of us have been together since grade 1!   These women are my sisters.   They have enriched my life, they have shared their lives with me.   We know some of the most intimate details about each other.   Together we have seen all the milestones that a group of 40+ year old women encounter.   We have shared sleepless nights; endless nights in deep conversations.   College nights in places our parents should never find out about!   We have weathered the test of time.   As true friends we have rose to the occasion.   I couldn't image my life without these women.  Love you all for your unique and individual strengths.   You have all blessed my life...I am so fortunate.

Girls weekend was at the farm.  :-)  What a fun adventure we had!  Even got up close and personal with Clark's chicken!   LOL

Here we are at my fav local hot spot, Twisted Lemon at the best table ever!   Love the chef's table.

AND because these women are truly the best ever…they prearranged a surprise baby shower for me!   As friends as close as they are to me…they know the reasons I have only fur kids and surprising me with this party was one of the most amazingly joyful and tearful moments of the weekend for me.

Stewy has a new blanket thanks to this crew of doting 'Aunts'.   xo love you Girls…to the moon and back.

Round Pen

The base footing is now complete!   We let the drainage stone settle for a season.   It's now ready for sand and the wood fencing.  Hurray...Stewy's new playpen will be ready to go when he is!

Operation Winter Warmth

30 boxes of wood stacked and ready to burn this winter.   30 more will likely still be needed to get us through the winter but this is half way there.

Trail Cam

Lots of action in the woods at the trail entrance and through the trail.

New Tree

After much love and desperate trying, I could not save the tri-colour birch that Reta gave me when we moved here.   It was dug out of the ground at least 3 times by Molly in the puppy years as she wolfed mouth fulls of soil that I had enriched with bone meal!!   Each time I would replant and pack the soil and water it and pray that it would make it through the trauma.   But even prayer couldn't save the beauty.   So the dead twig that it turned into after a freezing winter and relentlessly hot summer stayed planted all year as a solid reminder that this tree needed to be replaced.   On many occasions DH and I stopped at different garden centres but could never find one that held a candle to that lovely tree.   As a surprise, last month Reta and Bill replaced that tree with one even more beautiful.   It has been planted and guarded from dogs.   No more puppy phase so lets now pray it makes it through the winter and shares its glory next spring.

Food

Well...with no horse to ride on a regular basis at the moment....food has become a much more popular pass time.   The miles need to be clocked on my shoes now to counter balance the delicious meals and treats that have been pouring out of the kitchen.  UGH!!!

Jalapeno poppers made with peppers from my garden.

Stewy

He's growing like an obnoxious little weed!   He should have been named Shark, not Stuart!   He's super smooth and cute.   He glides in close and looks so curious and brave.   Then he grabs you when you least expect it!  And boy he's fast!

He's croup high right now but look how much he has grown!

Last but not least…

What would a blog post be without the mutts….love my fur babies!